Kink 101

An introduction to alternative forms of adult play

For the complete content for the Kink 101 lecture, please download the slides using the links above.

My eventual goal is to migrate the content to this space, but there is a considerable amount of work to be done with the website scaffolding that transcription is currently on the mid-burner.

Dictionary of Kink Terminology

General Terms

Aftercare

The timespan after a scene which participants in the scene use to recover from the activity. It is also not uncommon for the scene participants to contact one another in the following days/week as part of checking in on each other. Scenes can be very intense for some folks, and may take time to fully process.

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Boot Black

Someone that offers leather care services to the community. While this is often a free service it is very common to offer monerary tipsas at a fair rate of exchange.

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Consent

Agreement between parties regarding a negotiated set of boundaries. Crossing of any of the negotiatied boundaries (“breaking consent) is always taken extremely seriously by the community at large, and often results in the outright banninng or blacklisting of those that do.

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Dungeon

A physical space where individuals are able to partake in kinky activities

NOTE: The term “Dungeon” is synonymous with the term “Playspace”, and both are used in reference to the same thing. There may also be instances where either term are used for the entire location, and the other is used for the specific areas within that location where play is allowed.

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(Modern) Kink

A broad range of activities in which one or more participants engage in activities that are typically considered “non-normative” or simply unconventional. While a kink may be a turn on, not all kinks or kinky activities are sexual in nature.

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Munch

A gathering at a public space, often a bar/restaurant, that allows individuals to participate in casual conversation, and meet others.

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Negotiation

Mutual discussion about the terms of a particular scene in which the participants establish rules, boundaries, and share expectations.

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Play

The act of partaking in a kinky activity, regardless of role

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Play Collar

Collars are a very common sight in the kink community, and all of them will have different meanings to the inviduals wearing them. Play Collar’s are collars that are worn temporarily, such as for the duration of a play party or scene. Individuals in Dominant/submissive relationships may also have different collars for different occasions such as a decorative day collar for wearing in public, but a play collar for more vigorous activities.

Play Party

An event at which folks are able to participate in kinky activities.

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Playspace - see also Dungeon

Synonymous with the term Dungeon as described above

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Role(s)

A loosely-defined part taken on by individuals in particular social-settings.

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Scene

The period of time during which one or more participants engage in a kinky activity.

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Service (Role) or Service-Type

Any individual that takes on a role (top/bottom, dom/sub, etc.) for the benefit of another.

Note: Motivations for being a Service-Type varies between individuals, although general consensus is that they find enjoyment in being able to provide the service, and not directly from the act itself.

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Vet | Vetting | Vetted

These are all terms for evaluating someone for approval or acceptance. Given the nature of the community, and the activities, it is not uncommon for invididuals to be “vetted” before being allowed into a private space or group. The specific requirements for acceptance is at the discretion of those doing the vetting, but the most prevalent is requiring a list of references within the community.

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Kink Relationship Dynamics

Collaring

Collars are commonly regarded as a physical symbol of obedience worn by submissive individuals. While there are some inviduals that will only use collars during a scene (referred to as “Play collars”) the act of collaring someone is to show dedication to the relationship, and in some respects “taking ownerhip” of the one being collared.

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Play Partner

Strictly speaking Play Partners are defined as platonic relationships between two or more individuals that enjoy kinky activities together. The nature of such relationships is regularly platonic, although they could also be romantic, and/or sexual as well.

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Power Exchange

Negotiated power imbalance, sometimes referred to as Authority Transfer.

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Top

An individual that gives sensation during kinky play.

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Bottom

An individual that receives sensation during kinky play.

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Dom | Domme | Dominant

An individual that receives control and/or authority over another individual. It is not uncommon to see the “D” in Dominant captizalized, regardless of position within a sentence, such as in the Dominant/submissive or D/s context. Capitalization of the first letter (or not), is entirely left to the dicretion of the one using the term.

NOTE The “Domme” form is often used as a feminine-specific variant

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Sub | Submissive

An individual that gives control and/or authority over to another individual. It is not uncommon to see the “S” in submissive left lowercase, regardless of position within a sentence, such as in the Dominant/submissive or D/s context. Capitalization of the first letter (or not), is entirely left to the dicretion of the one using the term.

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Safety Acronyms

SCC

Safe, Sane, Consensual

Note: Currently considered to be deprecated, even by its originator (David Stein), because the phrase has become overly diluted. Some folks would even pose the joke: “Safe, Sane, Consensual; pick two.” as a way of hinting that kink-play always carries some form of risk, and cannot (generally), embody all three statements simultaneously. It is also important to note that consent is considered to be a hard requirement at all times.

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RACK

Risk Aware Consensual Kink (Coined by Gary Switch, 1999)

Note: Currently considered to be the most appropriate acronym for kink safety as it reminds participants that they need to be aware of the risks for the activities they choose to participate in.

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PRICK

Personal Responsibility Informed Kink

Note: This acronym puts more emphasis on the concept that kink participants are ultimately responsible for their own safety.

Risk Topics

About this section

This page is meant to act as a chapter header for risk-themed content. These are the two sections currently on offer:

Risk Profile Designer

• A printable form to help folks understand what their personal risk acceptance/profile looks like.

Risk Terminology and Examples

• A very brief list of risk-related words, and phrases with examples as how they relate to kinky activities.

The Art of Negotiation

TODO

• Generic Negotiation Checklist
  • Wellness and mood
  • Goals for the scene
• Common Negotiation Terminology
• Examples for specific types of scenes

A Brief Introduction

For each of the the hundreds if not thousands of scenes I have witnessed in all my years as a member of the modern kink community, I would put a heavy wager that every single one of those scenes began with: “I want”. Although the exact phrasing may vary, the intention never does; Someone wants something from someone else. To the best of my knowledge, there is simply no other way to begin a negotiation. If you do not want something, then you are not going to pursue it, and if you do, then you have already begun the process of negotiating. Experienced individuals will likely be familiar with the next few stages of the process, although it may be worth revisiting to remind yourself about how you started out.

Chances are good that this is not your first scene. If that is the case, then you will likely a sense for how negotiations work. Regardless there is never any harm in reviewing your skills. Just like people, kinks evolve over time, and everyone does them in their own way. Even well-practiced individuals may periodically update their methods.

The Roots of Negotiation (Goals and Purpose)

There is a Russian proverb that goes “доверяй, но проверяй”. In American English we would say “Trust, but Verify”. The phrase was made famous by US President Ronald Reagan in reference to his dealings with the Soviet Union (Trust, but verify (Wikipedia)). This is also a phrase that I have heard, and even used more than a few times in my career as a cybersecurity professional. For many years I thought it a fantastic phrase…until a better one came along.

In kink, much like cybersecurity trust is a very strong word. Some, myself included, may even go so far as to say that it is easily overused. However, trust, for whatever value it holds, will become necessary at some point. That is one of the reasons why I much prefer the phrase “Never trust, always verify”.

While I cannot speak to the originators intent, it is my interpretation that the first half of the phrase (“never trust) is meant to be harsh and unforgiving. Therefore emphasis falls onto the second half “always verify”. Verification not only minimizes doubts, but it should also clear away both presumptions, and assumptions.

All of that is a very verbose way of saying that negotiations, as related to kink, are all about removing ambiguity and setting clear goals and intentions. Strong negotiations reduce the risk of miscommunication, and lend themselves to more fulfilling outcomes. The inverse, where a negotiation went poorly or never happened, may lead to very unhappy participants and accusations.

The roots of negotiation, Goals and Purpose, are both deeply impactful in how a scene will play out, and the possible outcomes toward the conclusion.

Goals serve as the ultimate aim for a scene. This directly ties into the question “What do you want to get out of this scene?” Well-rounded negotiations will have all participants answer this question. For bottoms ( briefly: those receiving ) this may be “I want to get an adrenaline rush.” or “I want to tune out.” For tops ( briefly: those giving ) “I enjoy flogging.” or “Getting reactions from bottoms.” are some easy examples.

Purpose Where goals serve as the intended destination to a scene then purpose is the path taken to get there. This part of the negotiation is typically led by the top describing what they intend to do. This is also a prime opportunity for an exchange of questions and answers. Examples are “When you bottom for impact play where to you typically like being struck?” ( top perspective ), “Would you mind focusing on…” ( bottom perspective ). No matter what type of scene is happening being in sync on the details during this part will go a long way towards reaching the agreed upon goals.

Details are hugely important when it comes to negotiating a kink scene. Ensuring that all involved parties are on the same page is a structural component to consent. Surprises during scenes are rarely welcomed. Most scenes require planning, and preparation. Even individuals that have been playing together for years know that keeping in sync means maintaining a healthy relationship.

First Interaction

Once a particular want or interest has been identified the next logical step is to convey that information to the individual you wish to interact with. How you approach the initial contact depends on a couple of questions:

• Do you know them? | Have you met that individual previously?
• Do you know what their interest(s) are?

If the answer to both of these questions is “Yes” then it is time to consider further discussions.

If the answer to either of those two questions is “No”, then your next steps are to simply introduce yourself, if you have not already done so, and then simply ask them about what they are into. Discussions about kinky interests is almost always a back-and-forth so it is best to have ideas about what you want, or are interested in trying.

How, and when you approach others is largely situational, but should be appropriate for the time, and place. For instance you should NEVER, under any circumstances approach someone while they are in a scene or during aftercare. If instead you find them at a munch, or other kink-appropriate social gathering, then it much more socially acceptable to say hello, and proceed sharing your interests.

• Do you have experience with what you are wanting to partake in?

Experience will undoubtedly shape the way you negotiate, and in many cases means that you may be tempted skip some of the introductory questions an answer. Questions such as “what is a single tail?” are likely candidates for being skipped, it is very important to remember that there are many approaches to kink even within the same type of play. Therefore the best advice here is to review details of what, and how the scene would play out.

For the un-initiated, or even if you are new to a particular type of scene, curiosity is often the ideal approach. The more questions you ask, the better equipped you will be to decide whether or not you even wish to proceed.

Going Further

[To be continued]

Exploring D_s

Exploring D/s

TBD (the slide presentation is done though. probably needs review again. )

Introduction to Dungeon Monitoring

Introduction

• Introducing thyself

DISCLAIMER

• Not an expert
• Not the end-all-be-all class

What to Expect as a DM

• General roles
• Expected Responsibilities

Play Party Basics/Etiquette, Now and then

THE ONE TWUE WAY (which really isnt)

• What is the one TWUE way?
• Why is this toxic? (in case it isn’t obvious)

DM Tools, and Equipment

Required:

• Utilizing all of your senses to assess the room/situation
• Clear understanding of the rules, “common” sense
• An omnipotent god-complex (helps with being able to step into scenes without fear of consequence)

Strongly Recommended:

• Safety Vest
• Hi-vis safety shears (Inexpensive vs. Big Brand)
• Water bottle
• Watch
• Multi-tool
• Disposable Gloves

Preparing for a party

General Duties

|| - || ORIGINAL NOTES || The basis for the more expansive content.

Questions for a DM

What is a DM? What does it mean to be a DM? What does a DM do? Further broken down, what does a DM do before, during, and after the time period they are “on duty” Why are DMs needed? What are the “tools” of a DM, including those that are physical, emotional, and psychological Who are DMs? Who should be DMs, and why? What are the duties of a DM when on duty? Can you describe what a DM might literally find themselves doing if things are going fine and everyone is enjoying themselves? How does a DM know when to step in? How does a DM know when NOT to step in?

||- || Notes from SirMikeNJ || So you want to be a DM…why? Introduction to the roles of a DM Consent is king (or queen). The roles of a DM in consent. Consent interventions role play and practice. 15 minute break Basic etiquette Equipment issue and positions Bystander interventions How to observe without being intrusive How to handle someone playing under the influence Aftercare: The DM’s role Sex positive: The DM’s role Dungeon diplomacy Lunch break Setting the scene for the DM What to look for in: A. Impact scenes B. Bondage scenes C. Fire scenes d. Waterboarding and breath play e. Needles and sharp pokey things f. Rope and suspensions g. Medical play h. Knife and edgeplay. Venue roles and responsibilities Basic First aid Someone asks for help…now what do I do The DM tool box Practice scenarios

About

What is Safety Third

As a philosophy*

“Safety Third is a philosophy that makes allowances for risky behavior and also encourages individuals to be responsible for their own safety.”

• Banjo Fox

As an Organization

Safety Third (the organization) aims to be a resource to provide free, and open-source educational materials for the kink community.

*Based on the original concept by Mike Rowe (as from Dirty Jobs)

Citation:
Mike Rowe (2020) - Walk me through this “Safety Third” thing
https://mikerowe.com/2020/03/walk-me-through-this-safety-third-thing/

Legal Disclaimer

This website discusses kink as a form of consensual adult play. All content is intended for adults (age 18+) only. All activities discussed emphasize informed consent, communication, and personal boundaries. Participation in or interest in kink is a personal choice; no experience or endorsement is assumed.

All information presented is general in nature and intended for educational discussion. It is not a substitute for legal, medical, or professional guidance. Participants are responsible for understanding and complying with applicable laws, safety practices, and personal boundaries. The content authors assume no responsibility for individual actions or outcomes