The Art of Negotiation

TODO

• Generic Negotiation Checklist
  • Wellness and mood
  • Goals for the scene
• Common Negotiation Terminology
• Examples for specific types of scenes

A Brief Introduction

For each of the the hundreds if not thousands of scenes I have witnessed in all my years as a member of the modern kink community, I would put a heavy wager that every single one of those scenes began with: “I want”. Although the exact phrasing may vary, the intention never does; Someone wants something from someone else. To the best of my knowledge, there is simply no other way to begin a negotiation. If you do not want something, then you are not going to pursue it, and if you do, then you have already begun the process of negotiating. Experienced individuals will likely be familiar with the next few stages of the process, although it may be worth revisiting to remind yourself about how you started out.

Chances are good that this is not your first scene. If that is the case, then you will likely a sense for how negotiations work. Regardless there is never any harm in reviewing your skills. Just like people, kinks evolve over time, and everyone does them in their own way. Even well-practiced individuals may periodically update their methods.

The Roots of Negotiation (Goals and Purpose)

There is a Russian proverb that goes “доверяй, но проверяй”. In American English we would say “Trust, but Verify”. The phrase was made famous by US President Ronald Reagan in reference to his dealings with the Soviet Union (Trust, but verify (Wikipedia)). This is also a phrase that I have heard, and even used more than a few times in my career as a cybersecurity professional. For many years I thought it a fantastic phrase…until a better one came along.

In kink, much like cybersecurity trust is a very strong word. Some, myself included, may even go so far as to say that it is easily overused. However, trust, for whatever value it holds, will become necessary at some point. That is one of the reasons why I much prefer the phrase “Never trust, always verify”.

While I cannot speak to the originators intent, it is my interpretation that the first half of the phrase (“never trust) is meant to be harsh and unforgiving. Therefore emphasis falls onto the second half “always verify”. Verification not only minimizes doubts, but it should also clear away both presumptions, and assumptions.

All of that is a very verbose way of saying that negotiations, as related to kink, are all about removing ambiguity and setting clear goals and intentions. Strong negotiations reduce the risk of miscommunication, and lend themselves to more fulfilling outcomes. The inverse, where a negotiation went poorly or never happened, may lead to very unhappy participants and accusations.

The roots of negotiation, Goals and Purpose, are both deeply impactful in how a scene will play out, and the possible outcomes toward the conclusion.

Goals serve as the ultimate aim for a scene. This directly ties into the question “What do you want to get out of this scene?” Well-rounded negotiations will have all participants answer this question. For bottoms ( briefly: those receiving ) this may be “I want to get an adrenaline rush.” or “I want to tune out.” For tops ( briefly: those giving ) “I enjoy flogging.” or “Getting reactions from bottoms.” are some easy examples.

Purpose Where goals serve as the intended destination to a scene then purpose is the path taken to get there. This part of the negotiation is typically led by the top describing what they intend to do. This is also a prime opportunity for an exchange of questions and answers. Examples are “When you bottom for impact play where to you typically like being struck?” ( top perspective ), “Would you mind focusing on…” ( bottom perspective ). No matter what type of scene is happening being in sync on the details during this part will go a long way towards reaching the agreed upon goals.

Details are hugely important when it comes to negotiating a kink scene. Ensuring that all involved parties are on the same page is a structural component to consent. Surprises during scenes are rarely welcomed. Most scenes require planning, and preparation. Even individuals that have been playing together for years know that keeping in sync means maintaining a healthy relationship.

First Interaction

Once a particular want or interest has been identified the next logical step is to convey that information to the individual you wish to interact with. How you approach the initial contact depends on a couple of questions:

• Do you know them? | Have you met that individual previously?
• Do you know what their interest(s) are?

If the answer to both of these questions is “Yes” then it is time to consider further discussions.

If the answer to either of those two questions is “No”, then your next steps are to simply introduce yourself, if you have not already done so, and then simply ask them about what they are into. Discussions about kinky interests is almost always a back-and-forth so it is best to have ideas about what you want, or are interested in trying.

How, and when you approach others is largely situational, but should be appropriate for the time, and place. For instance you should NEVER, under any circumstances approach someone while they are in a scene or during aftercare. If instead you find them at a munch, or other kink-appropriate social gathering, then it much more socially acceptable to say hello, and proceed sharing your interests.

• Do you have experience with what you are wanting to partake in?

Experience will undoubtedly shape the way you negotiate, and in many cases means that you may be tempted skip some of the introductory questions an answer. Questions such as “what is a single tail?” are likely candidates for being skipped, it is very important to remember that there are many approaches to kink even within the same type of play. Therefore the best advice here is to review details of what, and how the scene would play out.

For the un-initiated, or even if you are new to a particular type of scene, curiosity is often the ideal approach. The more questions you ask, the better equipped you will be to decide whether or not you even wish to proceed.

Going Further

[To be continued]